Why should I get married?
That may seem like a strange question, and perhaps it is, but I’m not the only one asking it. Numerous reports remark upon the trend among young adults toward “delaying” marriage, sometimes indefinitely. Women and men are focusing on their education and establishing their careers before entertaining thoughts of “settling down.” For many, including Christians, putting off marriage doesn’t feel like a sacrifice since a certain amount of instant gratification comes with their having embraced the false ideal of cohabitation, or worse, the hookup culture. That being said, I realize that as a proponent of marital chastity, the question Why should I get married? is perhaps even stranger.
Here’s why I’m asking it. For the last decade or so, we have routinely told one story about marriage: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another husband and wife sharpen each other.”
We have done this for good reasons. We want to be, and indeed we must be, honest about how difficult married life often is. We don’t want to set people up for failure. (Though, perhaps somewhat ironically, there are more failed marriages today than ever before. Not that divorce is the only way to fail a marriage.) In fact, it is, I think, partially in reaction to the climbing divorce rate that we have begun to focus on this “sharpening” aspect of marriage.
We do need to tell this part of the story. But we also need to remember that it is only part of the story. We must guard against overcorrecting and being so laser-focused on marriage as purifying fire that we neglect the rest of the story, thereby developing a truncated view of marriage.
We must discipline ourselves to tell whole truths.
Teenagers and 20-30-somethings listen to sermon after sermon, small group after small group, blog post after blog post, dating book after dating book… declare that “marriage is the number one tool (second only to having children) God uses to make us less selfish and more Christ-like”—while simultaneously watching their parents and friends’ parents and peers divorce. And then those same sermons, small groups, blog posts and books turn right around to lecture young adults for delaying marriage, calling them lazy and selfish. Are we insane? (Now, there is certainly some truth to the lazy-and-selfish critique; young adults are, after all, human. But again… not the whole story.)
As a single young 30-something myself, every time I hear this refrain about marriage, a not so small part of me thinks, The Lord’s got several sharpening instruments at work in my life, and if that’s the main thing marriage does… Why should I get married?* Fortunately there’s a part of me that knows better; there’s a part of me that reminds the rest of me of the blessings of, for example, companionship. But the world we live in is fast-paced, fragmented, and isolating (and propagates its own narratives about marriage). I need reinforcement! I need whole narratives and complete pictures. Or at least not tragically truncated ones.
As good as it is to communicate the character-building hardships of married life, when we allow this single narrative to dominate our definitions of marriage, we shouldn’t be surprised that young adults grow more and more wary of it.
While we should want to be sharpened and disciplined, seldom do we deliberately put ourselves into difficult situations solely so that we can build character. And, in the case of marriage, I’m not sure that’s actually good motivation—Darling, will you marry me so that God can use you to make me more spiritual? Lamesauce. Plus, kinda selfish, no?
No. We put painstaking practice into our work and craft because we love. Skateboarding, painting, accounting, teaching, guitar. It’s that I-feel-God’s-pleasure-when-I-run kind of love. Because we are created to enjoy the triune God and the fullness of life he supplies.
Question: In addition to being a sacrament,** what is marriage? How can we paint a more complete picture?
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*Yeah, but I’m sure that nothing in your life is as sanctifying as marriage. It’s in the Bible… somewhere. So you really need to stop being a self-centered slacker and get married (and have children!) already. In the meantime don’t forget that before you do get married, singles have more time and energy on their hands to devote to the Church, not having any sanctifying relationships like a spouse and kids, so you really ought to spend all of your free time here. Don’t worry; if you’re doing it right, God will bring someone to you.
** I know we Protestants tend to have a visceral reaction to the word sacrament, but as sanctification is a divine grace, and married life is often a channel of that divine grace…
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About The Author
Renea McKenzie
(Editor in Chief) is a poet whose work often centers around the relationships between nature and the city, loss and love, faith and protest. She holds an MLA in English Literature and an MA in African American Studies. In between her two Masters degrees, Renea took a "gap year" to study theology at the famous L'Abri Fellowship in Switzerland. L'Abri is also where she read the Harry Potter saga for the first time and fell in love with the characters and the story's triumph of sacrificial love. Renea leads an incredibly talented creative writing group at her church and spends a fair amount of time binging books and Netflix and swing dancing at the historic Sons of Hermann Hall.
I say we try and let each person find the path God has set out for them. It might involve marriage. It might not. Instead of using marriage and family as a measuring stick for success, let us focus on virtue. An unethical family man has accomplished less than a virtuous single man.
Thanks for drawing attention to this, Adam. It’s a really important caveat that I had only hinted at in my sarcastic asterisk.
Part of developing complete narratives about married life includes developing well-rounded narratives about single life.
There have been a nauseating number of articles in Christian magazines recently that claim marriage, and particularly family, is the best way to be like Jesus. (Oh, the irony!) This piece published today by The Gospel Coalition goes so far as to say that having children (and by default in this context, being married) is the most godly thing we can do!
This is terrible(ly unbiblical).
So, I’ve been married 6.5 yrs and with my man for 13yrs and I would say that my work within the church and relationships with coworkers and some friendships have been more sanctifying for me than my marriage relationship has been. James and I are such besties, and we forgive each other so quickly, plus we honestly don’t differ much in our opinions so it hasn’t been hard being married so far… it’s pretty easy to love each other and freely give to one another because we both love each other well. But it HAS been hard to work with some people, and to deal closely with some who I’d never choose to in real life otherwise, and the Spirit has had to really bend me to lead me through those relationships with any amount of grace. So… maybe I’m a heretic… but marriage isn’t always the MOST sanctifying relationship… at least not in every single season of life.
I so enjoy your writing and wisdom! Thanks for putting your thoughts out there for us!
Thanks, Kate. This is a really great perspective, and helpful too. Perhaps you and James are an “exception to the rule,” having been together for so long before getting married, but real life is full of “exceptions,” and those are the stories we need (in addition to the ones we always hear) so that we don’t let the blinders of majority rule block our vision of the world.
At the same time, I know several couples who weren’t together that long before they married but can absolutely relate to what you said about being so similar to their spouse in certain ways that they too defy the would-be absolute truth that the first several years of marriage are earth-shatteringly difficult. They too are perhaps exceptions, but the more we tell these stories, the more others can potentially plug themselves into them.
All that being said, I really appreciate the point you make about how God often sharpens us through people in our lives we didn’t choose (as opposed to a spouse, generally). That makes a ton of sense.
LOL! <–sorry, hate to start with “LOL,” but you got me with the “single people have nothing to do but sit on the couch and watch Magnum PI…so do more churchy things. NOW!” Ugh, the day I had today was all about single people being expected to do more in career, home life, and relationships. Seriously, Coco needs to pull his weight in our home, all 28 lbs.
I oscillate between believing God has someone for me or not, caring whether God has someone for me or not, and having a balanced view of my single person life or not. These days I more closely resemble a crazed single lady, sans cat, and while I currently believe God has someone for me, I don’t really care (unless he has carpentry skillz, in which case he needs to hurry up already), and can’t even form a coherent view on my single self, as my single self is so overwhelmed with busyness. If one more person tells me, “Oh you think you’re busy now, but wait until you have a husband and kids,” I might just pop in one amazing apoplectic burst.
All that to say, I may not have a man to help refine me into a more godly woman…but I have some amazing, godly best friends, the example (and teaching) of my parents, and the desire and ability to seek out solid sources of truth, i.e. good writers/thinkers/teachers. I don’t know, but I’m thinking with God’s help, married or not, I might turn out okay.
(Now I have to prove I’m NOT a robot…)
Renea, I believe you accurately describe a problem of marital perspective within the church, but to comment I have to take a step outside into the culture that (unfortunately) influences the church.
It’s naturally a complicated issue with many contributing factors, but I believe a widely encompassing problem with marriage attitudes in our society boils down to this: Rather than seeing marriage as the place to pursue romance and love, we see romance and love as the place to pursue marriage.
It seems like the church has made an additional inversal: Rather than seeing marriage as an opportunity to better understand our relationship with God, we consider the only opportunity to better understand our relationship with God as marriage.
Both of these inverses run directly contrary to the descriptions of marriage within the Bible.
[On a related note, it bothers me how the modern church typically separates out the singles and marrieds (and the young and old, etc.).]
Hmmm. I guess I didn’t even come close to commenting on the “iron sharpens iron” problem. But you covered that already.
Emily, thanks for sharing. Friends, parents, teachers are all good examples of non-marital relationships that refine us.
“I don’t know, but I’m thinking with God’s help, married or not, I might turn out okay.” Yes. Yes indeed. Hold on to that with-God’s-help hope, Em. And I will try to do the same. Glad you’re not a robot. 🙂
Jared, I think you’ve articulated these inversions rather well. I particularly appreciate what you’ve said about (modern) marriage and romance. This too is a part of the story we’re missing, that I do think the church is trying to recover, but that articulation of inversion is particularly helpful, I think.
I’m with you on demographically segregated churches, which also run contrary to the descriptions of church in the Bible.
Thanks, always, for sharing your thoughts.
I didn’t think I had much exposure to the “iron sharpens iron” argument for marriage, but this morning I remembered differently! When I was in (private Christian) high school, one of my teachers confided that she saw a match for me that she thought would be good because “iron sharpens iron.”
This actually dissuaded me to foster any interest in the girl (though not consciously). Why? Because iron sharpens iron through conflict. And men are not looking for conflict within their homes, but rather a safe haven and comfort. There are few worse fates than a marriage wrought to solely sharpen each other (Proverbs 25:24).
That’s a great story. It perfectly illustrates what I was trying to say about how the sharpening narrative doesn’t answer the question why: Why should I get married? Or perhaps a better construction is, Why do we marry? It isn’t a good motivation, true as it may be once in the marriage (or in nearly any relationship, especially those of an intimate, or close, nature).
You guys are way off. Everyone should be starting from the assumption that God intends them to get married. You may find, along the way that you are one of the very special few that are called to celibacy, but the fact is that God designed us for marriage and most of us will and should get married.
Pre-Fall, God established marriage as the primary and normative relationship for humanity. We are told that our job is to be God’s image bearers on Earth and that in order to do that best, we need one-man and one-woman, united in marriage. In fact we are told that it is “not good” for one person to be with out their compliment. A lot of things were broken in the fall, but we are never told that marriage is no longer the normative relationship for humanity.
In fact Paul, clearly says that the marriage relationship is a profound statement about the nature of God and how he related to the church. Dan Doriani is dead on that being a husband or wife, and mother or father is crucial to understanding God (and Jesus) and to faithfully acting as his image bearer in creation.
You should get married, because God said that doing so is “not good” and by extension, that you will lack in your ability to be the Imago Dei
Jon,
You’re making quite a claim to say marriage is normative. Adam and Eve were married, but we are not told that it is a crime to avoid marriage because of this. St. Paul clearly states that being unmarried is best. in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul speaks highly of those who remain unmarried.
Single people can live their lives in the same manner as St. Paul, Augustine, C.S. Lewis, Mother Teresa, and hundreds of other important leaders of our faith who were not married.
Adam,
First off… CS Lewis was married, so…
Second, Paul, in context said that if you are living in a place an time where you’re Christian faith is likely to bring you death, you’re better off single. That was not an all inclusive statement. But, the way that God set things up pre-fall, is, by definition normative.
Here’s the thing, I’m not saying it’s bad to be single, and I know that a small majority Americans will not get married (yes statistically, despite the pitiful state of marriage this days, most will still get married at some point). What I am saying is that no one should assume that they will not get married and certainly no one should assume that they are called to celibacy. We can’t know that mind of God, but just like any other decisions we take what we know from the Scripture and apply it as best we can and trust God.
The base assumption for all Christians SHOULD be that God intends me to marry someday. It’s ok to not be married, but it’s not OK to decide you will never marry and to a certain extent, a single should always joyfully be anticipating marriage.
The other half of it, is that God does clearly intend everyone to have Children. That, too, is normative and embedded in scripture. Sure, some will be unable to have kids, but if you decide that you aren’t supposed to have kids, or don’t want them, something is wrong. And by extension, biblically, you can’t have kids, unless you are marriage…. so, God intends you to be married.
Lewis’ marriage was short-lived, and most of his contributions were made while he was single. Single people, today, can gift us in the same ways as he.
As far as I can tell, you have no evidence for your arguments. You insist that everyone must have kids, but you aren’t able, or willing, to prove it. Why should someone adopt your approach when it appears to be nothing more than your opinion?
Adam,
I’ve cited both the creation account in Genesis and Paul’s reassertion that the the structure and leadership of the home are both directly link to creation, the nature of man and woman, and the imago dei. I’ve given you solid biblical theology. Are you looking for systematics?
You also misquote me. I did not say that everyone must have kids. I said that everyone should be approaching their life with the assumption that God intends them to get married and have kids. It may not work out that way, but that’s up to God to decide not you or any other individual.
You clearly seem to be resisting the idea of marriage and or kids. Why is that? I don’t know what it is, but it is clear that something in your heart is off. Marriage and family are normative throughout all of scripture. Don’t let yourself be deceived into believing otherwise.
They question was “Why Should I Get Married?” So far, no one has ever shown conclusively that marriage is expected of a believer, so that questions remains.
Traditionally, the most revered life of a Christian was the monastic way of living. They didn’t get married. If I rest on tradition I should follow the monks.
Your statements confuse me. You said:
” I did not say that everyone must have kids. I said that everyone should be approaching their life with the assumption that God intends them to get married and have kids.”
These two statements are at odds with one another. If you think God wants me to have children, then you must also think I live in rebellion if I don’t try to have them.
Also, you have not proven your claim that God wants everyone to get married. Did He intend that for Paul? Is there a Bible verse that says, “Everyone must get married?” You think that the Bible implies that marriage is nominal, but I’m not convinced, especially when so many people in the Bible are not married.
Finally, I surprised that you think I am resistant to marriage. After all, I am a married man and I love my wife.
Jared, I don’t think anyone, man or woman, desires conflict in the home. But, given that we are imperfect humans…conflict is inevitable, yet overcomeable. <–who made up that word?!
Jon, for what it’s worth, I DID assume God wanted me to be married and bear children. Meanwhile, short of dishonoring God by marrying a horribly incompatible man or clubbing the man “I” deem perfect…I have reached the end of what is under my control and what is under God’s control. Do I believe I have been tagged as “single, celibate forever” by God since I’m approaching 32 and unmarried? Not quite. Marriage can still happen for me. I’m not quite dead…yet. God still works through me, still has a purpose for me…maybe through childbirth (although my salvation does not lie in my progeny) and maybe through the work God accomplishes through my single self.