Eleven Questions You Can Stop Asking Childless Couples. (With Responses.)
My wife and I aren’t interested in having children. This never seemed like a big deal, to me, but it’s an earth-shattering idea for some people, who lose their minds and start interrogating us like we’re screenwriters in the 1960s who accidentally sympathized with communism.
Here’s some things you can stop saying to us:
1 – “Why do you hate kids?”
I don’t. I’m involved in the lives of children and I think that they are some of the most important people in my life. It’s nonsense to assume I don’t like children just because I’m not having any of my own.
2 – “Have you asked your wife how she feels about that?”
No, I haven’t. I decided we wouldn’t have kids without informing her, or even asking her opinion, and she stays perpetually confused about her barrenness. Is that a problem?
Of course, this is a decision to be made as a couple. We discussed this at length while we dated, as any responsible people would do. What sort of monster do you think I am?
3 – “How are you going to avoid having kids?”
This one always makes me pause. In my experience, successfully using birth control is about as difficult as falling down a flight of stairs on roller skates while blindfolded. People like to ask this question, though, with wide, empty eyes as if they truly don’t understand. They must think I’m a wizard. Do I really need to explain how this is possible?
4 – “What if you have kids, anyway?”
I’m not sure what people are looking for, with this one. If we get surprised with a child, then…I guess we would have a kid. Is there something else they expect me to say? Maybe people think I haven’t considered this possibility, but I have. Any scenario you can come up with is something we have already thought about. The possibility that we might unexpectedly have kids doesn’t mean we should change our plans.
5 – “I know people who said they would never have kids…and they did! I think you’ll be just like them!”
That’s adorable.
6 – “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
Robots, probably.
Did you have kids because you wanted to make them responsible for your well-being? Of course not. That’s a selfish thing to do, and procreating just to have servants when I’m elderly is a strange idea. You haven’t thought this question through.
7 – “Doesn’t the Bible say that people should have kids.”
No, it doesn’t. Believe it, or not, as a licensed minister who studies theology and church history in grad school, I’ve considered that possibility. I’m planning to have as many kids as the Apostle Paul, C.S. Lewis, St. Francis, Mother Teresa, and Rich Mullins – combined.
8 – “Why don’t you just try having kids and see how you like it.”
Now, you’re scaring me. You don’t “try” being a parent. It’s not as if I can return a kid to a store, is it? People know this (I hope), but still ask me to give parenting a test drive by just having one kid. Being a parent is an all or nothing decision.
9 – “You shouldn’t say ‘never,’ because you never know what God’s going to do.”
You just said “never.”
(People say this exact sentence to me, all the time.)
10 – “Are you unable to have kids? Did the doctor say you were sterile? Is your wife the problem? Do you have trouble with…you know…”
Step back.
I know you’ll have a hard time understanding this, but those are personal questions that should only be asked by close friends, family members, and anyone who’s first name is “doctor.” Otherwise, these questions are absolutely inappropriate.
(And, no, it’s none of those reasons.)
10 – “Did you have a bad experience as a kid that makes you afraid to be a father?”
No.
Believe it, or not, psychology is a very complex field that is not as simple as it looks on television. Ascribing my activities to personal problems is beyond your capability. Cut it out.
11 – “You Will” (Said with a smug smile.)
Everyone said this when we got married, because as soon as someone is hitched people are required to ask them about having children as soon as possible. “We’re not planning to have any,” I would say. “You will,” they would respond. No, I didn’t.
12 – “But…Children are a blessing!”
So is martyrdom. I don’t see you lining up for that one.
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In my religion (LDS), we believe that God’s commandment to Adam and Eve to “multiply and replenish the earth” is still in effect today, so for us it is a commandment to have children. But having said that, my church also emphasizes that the decision to have children– and how many you have and when you have them– should be made between couples and the Lord. So it’s really no one else’s business. But it’s astounding to me how much people still want to try and tell everyone how they should be procreating!
I think those are great answers you gave. And I applaud you and your wife for deciding what’s best for you and not being pushed around by every nosy busybody out there!
A couple thoughts.
1) Yes people are stupid sometime and ask dumb question and have lame expectations of others. Sorry.
2) As someone with 4 kids, two of which managed to circumvent redundant birth control, I think you are giving more credit to the surety of birth control than is warranted.
3) Scripture does in fact say that you should have children. It’s true that the command to “be fruitful and multiply” specifically was fulfilled in Deuteronomy, but people who do choose to have children are still expected to “fruitfully” parent and part of being God’s people, invisible Israel, etc, is an implicit understanding that His nation is to grow–which includes having children. Additionally, 1 Tim 3 makes it clear that you must have a family and lead it well to qualify as a potential pastor. You must be married and the implication is that you are open to the possibility of children. Thirdly, Mother Theresa, while by all accounts a nice person was part of a backward, marginally christian sect that ignores a lot of what scripture has to say. We don’t know if Paul had children or not. It can be logically concluded that Paul had been married at some point. It is perfectly reasonable that he also had children. Some have even suggested that the “thorn” that afflicted Paul was an unbelieving family. Further, Paul seems to have “adopted” Timothy and I believe it is reasonable to say Timothy was Paul’s child in a more formal sense than many presume. Similarly, while Lewis did not have children of his own, he did raise his wife’s two boys and was effectively their father. Rich Mullins? Not sure why he gets lumped in here, but sure, you’re right that some people don’t do what God wants… Not sure how that proves your point.
4)Children are a blessing. I’m not sure where you get the assertion that martyrdom is too… That’s certainly not in scripture. Perhaps that’s just part of your apparent fondness for Catholic tradition. This argument seems like a false dichotomy.
As an aside, Alanna, you believe in a different gospel and a completely different set of scripture, so I don’t really see how your chiming in here is helpful. Effectively, we’re talking baseball and you’re over in the corner trying to tell us about curling.
Jon – First of all, please show some charity to the others in conversation here, namely Alanna. Coming from a different religion (which SHE HERSELF acknowledges) does not mean that we get to discount her opinion on a matter that is common to all humans.
Second, when one argues for something because Scripture is supposedly “implicit,” one is on shaky ground. With that said, you are right that the Scriptures call for Christians to fruitfully parent. In fact, I would say that this is EXPLICIT. However, the only explicit part of it is the parenting of disciples, the making and teaching of new Christians. You will not find a single, solitary verse in all the Bible that explicitly states that married (able-bodied) people must have children as an expression of their faith. I’m with you: I certainly don’t understand the desire to NOT have children. But I can’t argue explicitly against something unless Scripture does.
Next, your citation of 1 Timothy 3 again shows that you are interpreting a command or prescription from something that does not have to be read that way. It has been incredibly common in church history, and is perfectly logical in any language, to read the “husband of one wife” as descriptive, not prescriptive. In other words, it’s not single men who are barred from being elders; it’s a “ladies’ man,” the man who is not faithful to his wife, or if unmarried, flits around with lots of women. Many commentators see this phrase in Greek as describing a “one-woman kind of man” rather than a man who must be married. Same interpretation goes for children.
On your interpretation of the “thorn” as being Paul’s family – this simply doesn’t work in the immediate context of 2 Corinthians 12, and certainly doesn’t work if you’re coming from a perspective like yours (and mine) which counts family as a blessing. Do you really want to argue that Paul thought his family was “a messenger of Satan,” a “weakness,” or something to simply keep him from “becoming conceited?” Do you want to interpret family as a thorn on par with “insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities?” I doubt you think that, but your argument assumes this.
Jon, we believe in the Bible (which is what I was quoting from) as well as other scriptures. So I think it’s more like you’re talking American league and I’m talking National. Some notable differences, but the same basic game.
Brian– thanks for sticking up for me. I was a little taken aback by the rude tone on a blog that I normally find quite open to polite and friendly discussion. I guess having children is a fairly volatile subject. Which is probably why this post needed to be written…!
Writing from a Catholic perspective, I think you are incorrect about God’s plan for married people. God created sex both for the unitive purpose AND for the procreative purpose–the possibility of procreation is what makes it so beautiful; two are so in love they become one, and thus create another child. It’s actually a symbol of the Trinity: God and his Son’s perfect unity of love of which is born the Holy Spirit, another person on one perfectly united God.
So, that being said, your choices of St. Paul, St. Francis, and Mother Theresa as examples of Christians who chose not to have kids is invalid, because they chose to live celibate lives, another sacrifice. The key is, if you are married and are having sex, you should also be open to children.
(Of course, I do not discount those who suffer infertility. Obviously, for reasons unknown, God has given them this cross. They certainly would not be required to try inordinate means to get pregnant.)
Leslie, you’re right about the dual purpose of sex. But Adam and others like him also have the free will to assess whether they feel called by God to be parents or not and to structure their sex lives and families accordingly. The calling to be a parent does not come packaged with genitalia. This is made obvious by the many parents in our world who abandon or abuse their children or view their roles as parents as a burden. That is not to say that Adam and his wife would abuse their children if they had them. In fact, knowing them, I’m sure they would become excellent parents. But, it is clear from these examples that there are those in our world who are not fit for this calling, just as there are those who simply do not share it and are called to other kinds of lives. Parenting is a particular responsibility and a defining life choice and I applaud those who weigh that responsibility seriously and determine to follow the path they believe God is calling them to–be that having no children, multiple children or one child, adopting one, adopting several or a combination of these options. I believe there is room in God’s world for all of these choices. Of course, your explanation of your beliefs is beautiful and as a parent myself, I agree that this perspective can apply to those of us who feel called to be parents, but the presence of a beautiful metaphor does not equal a universal calling. Nonetheless, thank you for sharing your views so beautifully! While we may not all agree on the universality of those principles, it’s good to know that we don’t have to agree on them in order to remain in fellowship with one another. 🙂
I had a relative in the hospital this week and could not enter this conversation as soon as I wanted. I’m happy to finally enter the fray.
Allana – I am so glad you visit our site and leave us your comments. Don’t stop being our friend! And, yes, it is astounding that everyone thinks everyone else’s procreation is their business.
Jon – Sometimes I want to talk to people the way you did to Alanna, and I remember that Paul taught us that we have nothing if we do not have love. If it can’t be said in love then it doesn’t need to be said.
Brian – You’re awesome.
Leslie – You bring up an excellent point. There is hardly any precedent for childless couples in the church, but that’s also a new thing in man’s history. When it comes to having children, my Catholic friends and I always have to agree to disagree, because we find ourselves interpreting the Bible differently. I am not convinced that every couple must have children, but I understand that church teachings have historically gone the other way.
Kevin – I am, as you say, doing what I think I need to do with my life. Perhaps you approach to this discussion is better than my sarcasm-laced method.
Adam, you need a like button. What Kevin said.
BTW, your point 6 (I think, didn’t flip back to check) about who will take care of you, that’s related to one of my what the adopted know points. Often the desire for a child of one’s own is about having a child to for fill some need, not calling but need, of the parent. Adopted kids, more than others, are often free of such chip off the old block kinds of burdens.